I know the title sounds very cold and calculated, but trust me, it’s really not. I’ll explain it all in this post - just keep on reading!

I keep talking about how I’ve done some inner work with myself, my shadowself, my traumas, all of it. While doing that, I’ve also had to take a look at how I am and want to be as a person and as a friend, partner or family member. And that makes me reflect on whether the people around me (near or far) actually match that. Some won’t, and that is okay, not every relationship is there for life, some are here for a season or few. 

Reading this through after writing it makes me realize I sound quite angry through some points of the post, but you know what, I’m allowed to feel things. I've been the "understanding good girl" a little too hard and a little too long, essentially letting people walk over me and smiling at them when they do. Not anymore, thanks. Suppressing anger makes women sick - according to some studies, anyway. There’s an alleged correlation between women suppressing their anger and developing autoimmune issues and I have enough of those so anger it is. Too bad if that’s too much for some. 

Who is there when you win

One of the rough pills to swallow as someone who loves to see her people succeed and make their dreams come true is to see that some absolutely won’t celebrate with you when good things happen. I’ve had people who try to call themselves friends of mine constantly stay silent whenever I share good news - whether that’s a small win like a good workout or a fun social media job. Just silence. Yet I’m expected to give praise for every little thing. Yeah, sorry but no. 

I’ve even had someone get all sulky about me going to an event they couldn’t go to, making the whole conversation about how it’s so sad they can’t go and how that’s depressing and so on, not a single time saying “enjoy your time there”. I get being sad, but since it’s not my fault you can’t go, why the fuck are you being mad at me about it? All that does is me not wanting to be around you, because goddess forbid I get another chance to go somewhere you can’t and then what? You hold another pity party for yourself? Grow the hell up. 

Luckily, I’ve also found the kind of people to my corner who see my little achievements and hype them up - even when I don’t see it myself. These are the people I will choose as well.

Who is there when life is hard - the right way

What do I mean by there being a right and wrong way to be there? Let me tell you! The wrong way (to me anyway), is to only pop up when someone goes through hardships, but never when life is good. That’s just fucking twisted, and tastes like manipulation. Another example would be the pain olympics masters - the ones who take the chance to tell how darn awful their life is when you say something has gone badly, and mind you, their life is always worse. So much worse. 

I’ve been dealing with some family things and grieving for a person that still lives, and I have people in my life I’ve told this to. Their response was to not say “I’m sorry, how are you dealing with it?”, but “oh I know a person that went through this and it was so sad for me, blah blah”, making it about themselves, and never rounding it back to asking how I feel about it - even later. An excellent way to signal me that we’re no longer asking each other how we are. A lack of true empathy will make me withdraw mine, too.

Who checks in, ever

This is a hell of a lot less people than one would maybe think. We’re often pretty confused by someone liking or commenting on our socials, and think people have kept in touch when they kind of haven’t. And same with lurking on people’s social media, we often think we know what goes on in someone’s life because “we saw it on social media”. But the reality is, none of that is actually human connection. I’ll admit, it’s an easy way to try to show you care, adding a little emoji on someone’s comment section and calling it a day. I do that too. But I’m not fooling myself into thinking that’s any way the same as actually asking someone how they are. 

I can admit, I sometimes suck at asking people how they are (or even get back to people if they’ve asked me) - the thought passes often when I'm driving home from the gym or something, and if I can’t shoot the message then and there, I often forget. Or, I get tired and overwhelmed because of the bundle of chronic illnesses constantly trying to slow me down. I’ve also come to the conclusion I’m either easily distracted or very detached (possibly both) and in addition, busy most times, and therefore I don’t really miss most people all that much. Which I know sounds really bad, because it comes off as if I don’t care. But also, staying in touch works both ways. If someone really wants to know how I am, I assume they’ll ask. And if they are worried about me not contacting them/forgetting to text back, I assume they make sure if everything’s alright. That’s what I do with my nearest and dearest. 

Who copies things, competes or just gets weird about things

It’s true you get the most affected by the people you surround yourself with. Your friends will inspire you, you will even unintentionally start to do and say the same things as the people in your orbit. That’s normal, and mostly very fun. But then there are the people who start to feel very “Single White Female” - so it feels like they will try to become you. They “coincidentally” buy the exact things you do, they will suddenly dress like you or do their hair or makeup like you or edit their photos like you do (but always after you’ve done it). The worst ones will try to copy your hobbies too. I’m sure this can be taken in a flattering way, but for me, it just feels weird as hell. You cannot say “look, we have so much in common” if you just intentionally copied what I did instead of authentically finding the same things on your own. You can’t build a genuine relationship if you’re not being the real you.

Copying is one thing, but then there’s secret (or not so secret) competing (in women’s “friendships”). Weirds me out big time. Like there’s enough room for all of us to shine, even though your internalized misogyny tries to tell you otherwise. If you constantly see me or other women as competition, I don’t want to be around you. That’s just exhausting. And same goes with getting weird about people, their looks, their achievements, anything. It makes me think the person getting weird is very insecure, very jealous or just very judgemental (sometimes all three). That is very exhausting too. 

Who aligns with my goals and values

As someone who used to be a pathological people pleaser, evaluating your relationships gets kinda awkward once it goes beyond the concrete actions. To me, it used to feel like I can’t let someone go if they have ever been nice to me at all. That I would owe them a lifetime of niceness because they’ve mostly been nice. And that is just not true. 

We become what we surround ourselves with. You can try to tell yourself you’re an exception to this rule, but chances are that you’re not. Which is why I’ve done some subtle shifts in my relationships. This doesn’t mean I throw out everyone whose opinions differ from mine, nor that I distance myself from everyone who is in a different situation in life than I am. Not at all, really. Because the little differences make us see the world more widely, and that’s a good thing. This is more to the level of if we see human rights the same way, if we can civilly disagree when we have a differing view, and if we can support each other even when our goals are different. 

Like for me, I have pretty strict rules for myself; I work out three times every week, and then work on social media stuff on at least 2-3 days weekly (on top of a full time job). So just to keep this combo rolling, I often schedule my whole week out on Sunday/Monday, and I can’t really change it that much - maybe sometimes switch a couple of things around, but that’s it. So I'm a super bad choice for spontaneous plans, simply because I can’t fit them in - therefore, I may not be the best fit for someone who always just wants spontaneous adventures. And likewise I need people who respect that I need to plan my weeks or shit falls apart.

I also can’t fit in weekend-long sleepovers (or preferably sleepovers at all), because I have things to do, and I need to be able to actually focus on them (whether that’s meal-prepping, working out, outfit planning, social media work or creative endeavours - or sometimes simply finishing a book). Additionally, since I work out basically every other day, I don’t really drink alcohol all that much. Which means I’m a bad choice for a night that involves a lot of alcohol. I like my “boring” routine, I like staying at home, my favorite hobbies are things best enjoyed alone, and I like just hanging out with my husband (sorry not sorry, but I married a person that I love to be around). And on top of that I simply need my me-time to simply tolerate humanity. I need my people to understand this as the baseline - but obviously I will “inconvenience” myself from the rigid routine for very special occasions and circumstances. 

I’m also currently learning to be way more mindful about where I put my money, so I will not really hang out with people who actively make irresponsible decisions with theirs. If you shop a lot, but within your budget, go off, no arguments. But if you constantly put yourself in debt over things you don’t actually need, that is not the energy I want to be around. It’s a boundary for me and my actions, not me demanding that someone needs to change their habits or “they’re not good enough for me.” And since I’m trying to cultivate different kinds of money habits, I rather surround myself (mostly) with the kind of people whose own habits support that.

Who makes me feel good, who doesn’t

This may be the biggest of them all. Since I already have to be quite selective with what I engage in due to my somewhat insane schedule, I absolutely cannot use whatever little time I have left over for people who make me uncomfortable time and time again. I do quite easily pick up on people’s moods and energies, so I can tell when the vibe shifts - most people aren’t as subtle with it as they probably think. And in a world full of genuinely encouraging souls, I have such a hard time being around those whose energy just gets weird when either good things happen to me, or my life (and my choices) looks different then theirs. Or worse, they downright judge and belittle things about me and my life. I get this especially since I am a child-free woman over 30; people LOVE telling me how I'm living my life wrong or that I don't know anything just because I'm not a mother. Which naturally is bullshit, but some just can't help their societal conditioning.

On the other hand, I don’t want people around me who somehow put me on a pedestal. That’s a different kind of creepy dynamic I simply don’t want - it typically ends in resentment, because when you're put an a pedestal, it tends to come with borderline impossible standards to uphold. Before you ask, there is a world of difference between a friend admiring you as an equal and them borderline worshipping you. The latter is very weird, and in my opinion, very problematic. 

And then there are the types of people who communicate in weird ways. Yes, I’m sorry, but I will judge you by the way you message me and /or write your social media updates or comments etc. I understand that when you speak, you may not always have the time to think what comes out of your mouth - that happens to everyone, for some much more than others, but to absolutely everyone. And I do give people a lot of grace for that. But when it’s written form, and you see what you’re going to put out there, and have the time to think (it’s your very own choice if you don’t think), and you still manage to make it weird time and time again… Babe, that's going to be a “no” for me.

The final thoughts

Now, none of this is to say that I'm somehow a perfect person and wouldn't be making someone else feel some of the stuff I just wrote here. If I've done that, I'm sorry. But also, I absolutely understand if someone would want to have less of me in their life. I'm not even trying to be everyone's cup of tea, really. I'm personally just trying to align my life more with my 5-year plan, and that includes working my relationships accordingly. Not saying I'm about to just throw people away if they don't exactly match me - not at all, actually - but rather that I need to prioritize those that are mutually nurturing instead of making me feel I need to make myself smaller, tone down my excitement for the good things in my life, and always having to be the shoulder to cry on and silence my own sadness and worries. Because I can tell you, being "the strong one" gets hard and fucking lonely.

Okay, damn, this is becoming long and ranty. Oops. Let's cut this here, and maybe next week I'll try to get back into more positive subjects again. Meanwhile, you can catch me over on IG! Talk to you soon!